Naps (counterpoint)

Many experts agree that Ouslandish-E is the foremost authority on naps, and would prefer to wait for her to address this subject before hearing any comments from my peanut-gallery self. However, I'm about as patient as I am likely to hop into the flatbed of David Sedaris' boil-and-barfmobile, so we'll just move on to my review of naps. Which at least has controversy on its side.

Because, gentle readers? I hate naps.

It's unnatural, I know! In many theories, on many papers, I love naps. Often I find myself thinking, Gosh, how great would a nap be right now, and maybe a juice box? And then MACARONI PICTURES!!! And naps are more than childlike whimsy and they're more than respite from whatever it is that's driven you to read or write blogs like this. Overall, naps are representative of freedom, of control over one's own actions. The concept of naps are beautiful, because we live in a tyrannical world.

I'm just saying that the idea of naps is too beautiful for the nap itself to measure up. Do you know what happens when I take a nap in the middle of the day? I half-wake up in the claws of some meaningless dream, sweaty, with prickles in my skin and hate in my throat. It's really more like waking down. Down into some fuzzy sub-state, with one's body tied up and pushed down a well but still simultaneously wandering around the kitchen or outdoors (places where life is served but sadly not rebirth). And I linger there for the rest of the day, unable to shake it until I finally fall asleep again, which - sleep is a lot more difficult a destination when you're navigating from the bottom of a well rather than from the usual port of sleepy-but-awake.

Now, I used to be worse and it used to be all the time. So I'm willing to admit that some of my anti-nap bias may be personal in nature. But I have other points up my sleeve.

• No one will ever convince me that dreaming is as good as the real thing. Sure, better or stranger or more exciting things happen in dreams. I'm not saying we should get rid of dreams. But if I had to do with only one or the other, I'd rather not miss what happens on this linear side, for the same reason that I eventually get sick of video games and romance novels and . And I'd give up nap-dreams happily before I gave up anything else. They are always weird and somehow half-wakeful.


• I don't care how tired The Man makes me, I will not dignify those tactics with little snips of my consciousness.


• There's a lot to be said for staying awake. If you go to sleep you might miss something vital. Or other people might miss your vitality. It is widely regarded that kids often fight against naps for just this reason (chemistry aside) - they're always ready for something awesome to happen.


• Man, I don't always feel down even with just going to sleep at night like a normal person. This sort of has to do with the previous point, sort of not. There's something about expectations that flourishes the longer you stay up. Like, when you say you're going to stay up all night, you don't really mean that you're going to stay awake until it's daytime again. When you stay awake that long, you're not hoping for dawn. You're hoping for something new. You're hoping that if you keep your eyes open, you won't have to go through the door between a night and the next day like it will just keep getting later... and later... and then who knows. This is a great reason to stay awake through naps. Staying awake through naps is the beginning of this exploration. Staying up all day is the beginning of exploring the other side of night.

So. It's not that naps are unequivically evil or nothin'. For some people they may even be necessary, like how I have low iron and therefore think chicken livers are top drawer! It's just, be careful. Sleep is just as impossible as wakefulness, and works against your evolution.