Cincinnati Chili (not soup you barbarian)

From correspondence:

Cincinnati chili is not soup you barbarian. It's this amazingly flavorful chili, involving cinnamon! and chocolate! as ingredients! that's fine enough to function as a sort of spaghetti sauce, as in you serve it over actual spaghetti! And then it has fixings of course, you have a bowl of raw onion on the table and you have a bowl of shredded cheddar, and if you're a reasonable human being you pile both on top of the chili and that's called having a three-way, because Cincinnati chili appeals most deeply to our innocent guts, the parts of us that responded to the appalled/delighted wave of AwwwwwwwwwwwwwWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! that crests through grade-school children in response to anything remotely romantic and/or risque. It was perfect [when I had some last night], it's always perfect. [Ouslandish-E] promises that if I kidnap her she will develop Stockholm syndrome and make it for me every day.

Once she made Cincinnati chili while we were on vacation and then the next morning I made the best hashbrowns I've ever made and we combined them, it was probably the best breakfast anyone ever had, it probably resounded backwards and forwards through my life and through the lives of those in a 10-mile radius, providing succor in times of distress, like invisible angels on thankless, unnoticed tasks, with chili in their wings and potatoes on their silent feet.

In Review: Spontaneous Human Combustion, the best way to die.

It is widely regarded that the best way to “go out” is with a bang. It is absolutely correct to assume this colloquial metaphor is literal.

To those readers who may find the prospect of dying in a huge ball of fire… unpleasant, I counter that it is, in fact, a painless and truly awesome departure.

Background Information
Spontaneous human combustion (SHC) is the alleged incineration of a person's body without a readily apparent, identifiable external source of ignition.

What Remains After a Spontaneous Human Combustion Event:

• The body is normally more severely burned than one that has been caught in a natural fire, suggesting extremely high burning temperatures.
  
  
• The burns are not distributed evenly over the body; the extremities are usually untouched by fire, whereas the torso usually suffers severe burning (or complete destruction with bones being reduced completely to ash). See figure 1.

figure 1.

• Only objects immediately associated with the body have burned; the fire never spreads away from the body. SHC victims have burnt up in bed without the sheets catching fire, clothing worn is often barely singed, and flammable materials only inches away remain untouched.

Painlessness
Temperatures of about 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit are required to char a body as thoroughly as is seen in SHC victims (Even Crematoria, which usually operate in the neighborhood of 2,000 degrees, still leave bone fragments which must be ground up by hand). FACT. This, in addition to the fact that victims’ remains are usually found in the exact same spot as the origin of the fire, indicate that the victim—burned so hotly and so quickly—had no time to move from his repose. In other words, they don’t feel a thing. Or, at most, the excruciating, extreme pain was only felt for a few seconds before complete bodily obliteration.

Awesomeness
Awe, as defined by many important historical writings and www.dictionary.com, means: "To have an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like." Some things that are awesome include majestic landscapes, the vastness of space, philosophical ponderings of existence, and huge balls of fire.

Notoriety
SHC has been the topic of many really cool documentaries featured on A&E, the Discovery Channel, and probably a few episodes of The X-files. You can buy an old VHS copy of one such documentary online at http://www.amazon.com/Unexplained-Spontaneous-Human-Combustion/dp/B000006QCA. It only costs .95¢ so as to reach the largest audience possible, even during times of economic instability. Interestingly, customers who bought this item also bought the movie, Gattaca.

FACT.